I'm not in a sorority, and thats okay.

***First, I would like to make it known to all who stumble across this post, that this is meant in NO way, shape, or form, to be an article opposing Greek life or the beautiful women and men of this community. I have many, many close friends who are Greek and I have seen first hand the way that it has greatly influenced their lives in so many outstanding ways. It is simply meant to be there for the young lady who finds herself in the same position that I did 8 months ago.

Every little girl has an inherent want, desire, and NEED to be loved- something I see often as a nanny. If she falls and scrapes her knee, she wants YOU to hold her and kiss the boo-boo. If she is playing hide and go seek, she wants YOU to find her. If she brings home a new painting from school, she wants YOU to be excited and tell her how beautiful it is. This beautiful desire doesn’t simply cease once a young girl ages, and in some ways it only grows stronger. As senior year comes to an end and college approaches, many high school girls find themselves in a tizzy of both excitement and fear- longing to be desired by almost total strangers. Sorority recruitment! They spend their days shopping for the perfect dresses, they spend their nights wondering how they will wear their hair, and they spend countless moments wondering which sorority they will soon join. It is both a wonderful/exciting and nerve-wracking/ terrifying anticipation. And I was one of these girls.

I ultimately decided not to go through with recruitment my freshman year of college for a few reasons. I wanted to get settled, find my classes, figure out how to actually do college, and in all honesty, I was afraid. My greatest fear in the entire process was the fear of rejection. What if I didn’t get a bid? What if I felt uncomfortable? What if it took away from my grades? What if I just didn’t like it? All fears that were quickly diminished over the course of my freshman year. After meeting a plethora of Greek women, some of whom I now call my best friends, I decided that my fears were nothing compared to the regret I might face in several years if I decided not to give rush a try at all. Just like that, I placed all of my fears, worries, and excitement in the hands of God. I prayed, “Lord, if this is your will for me then let it be. I only want what will bring me closer to you.” You see, I didn’t want anything in my life that would separate me from him, and after seeing so many of my friends GROW in their faith through their sisterhoods, I decided I had to try.

Over the summer I continued to pray that same prayer over, and over again. God already knew my future, and he was preparing me for something so hard, so challenging, and yet- so fulfilling. My school held recruitment over Labor Day week/weekend, so I arrived on Thursday ready as I’d ever be in my best-dressed attire. After day one, I knew that there were a few houses I liked. I watched my list get shorter and shorter as the weekend went on, but every day there was one house on my list that shined brighter to me than all the rest- the one that I really loved. I returned to this house every day knowing fully that it felt like home. I did my best to “TTP,” (Trust the process) and not get my hopes up, but anyone who has gone through recruitment knows that this is easier said than done! When you love one- you just know it. You feel it when you walk through the doors and you know that you would be so happy in that house.

Since we had a short amount of time for recruitment, my school held preference day and bid day together on Sunday. I arrived on preference morning in my freshly ironed dress, perfectly curled hair, and shiny heels with butterflies in my stomach. When my gamma chi called me into the hallway to read me my list of houses who wanted me to return for preference, the house I loved was gone. I thought I was going to throw up. I immediately felt tears well in the back of my eyes and I couldn’t talk without letting them fall. I asked my gamma chi if I could withdraw after everyone left the room and she said of course, but I barely heard her finish her sentence because I was already turned heading for the bathroom. The tears started to fall and I was so, incredibly angry with myself. “WHY are you crying!? It’s not that big of a deal. It wasn’t meant to be. Pick yourself up. Hold yourself together. Come on- Katie. Go back in there” I was hoping that my tears were quiet, but apparently another girl in the bathroom heard. She asked, “Um, Hi! I don’t know who you are, but would you mind if I pray for you?” I muttered something that I still hope sounded like a yes, gathered myself, and returned to my room not even realizing that blessing God was sending me through her.

When I look back on this experience, every single time, I realize another blessing that God was showering upon me- one of the biggest being my gamma chi. I returned to my room to find her waiting with my withdraw slip. As custom, she had to ask me if I’m sure that this is really what I wanted to do. The tears started to fall again as she started to tell me her own story. She, just like myself, had gone through rush and not gotten the house(s) she wanted. And y’all- this girl. Beautiful. Smart. Athletic. Authentic. I was baffled. HOW!? She went on to explain how discouraged and unwanted she felt- and how it consumed her at first. Then, she told me that she realized one day it was time to stop. She eventually went on to rush again and got the sorority she is in today- an experience she wouldn’t have changed. But before that, before the happiness, she had to decide that there was a time to stop being sad- something that I was nowhere near ready for. (But it would come with time.) I said thank you, and promised her that I wouldn’t let it get to me for too long. When I returned to my car the tears didn’t stop. In fact, they didn’t stop for the rest of the day.

When I finally decided it was time to pray, it hurt. It hurt deep. I cried out to God in such ANGER. WHY? Why didn’t I get what these other girls did? Why didn’t I find my home? My sisters? Why was he doing this? Why wasn’t this great desire of my heart met? It’s something that I wanted to understand overnight. But we all know that God doesn’t work on time lines, and I still don’t fully understand why I don’t sport Greek letters today. And that is O K A Y!

What this experience taught me, what it did for me, was lead me closer to Christ. When all of my hope was taken, when all of my worst fears had been affirmed, it felt as though I had nothing left. I was brought to the foot of his cross. Crying out for understanding. Begging for healing. Longing for HIM to hold me and enlighten me. And the healing did not come quick. For a while, I was bitter. I was angry. I was hurt. And that was all okay. I still have feelings to process- I’m still growing from this experience that I now consider a great blessing. I know and understand that there are things in this world far worse than my feeling of rejection, but I am also a firm believer in the fact that it does no good to minimize the pain of another. God still sees it all.

So what do I want you to get from this post? Whether you are Greek or not Greek, 12 years old or 50 years old, pink or purple, male or female, we all face the deep pain of rejection. We all, at some point in our lives, feel unwanted. Jesus himself- was betrayed by his best friends, everyone he had ever loved abandoned him, the people he chose to die for nailed him to a cross, and he still chose to die for our sins. This doesn’t mean that we live our lives in fear- hiding in the closet afraid to live or take chances. It means we live a life trusting him and his plan for us. He chooses us; he chooses YOU, every single time. He pursues your heart till the very end. He speaks these beautiful, comforting words to us, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (MT 11:28-30) In all of our pain, we have a God crying our for our attention, begging for us to reach out to him, and I don’t know what could possibly be more beautiful than that.

1st Semester... That's a Wrap!

As I lay in bed recovering from the plague of flu that decided to cripple my body near the end of finals week, I can't help but be super corny and cliche and well, you guessed it, reminisce on my first semester of college. 

Six months ago when I walked across the big stage covering the river center floor in my starch white graduation gown, all I could think about was not tripping and sending my face hurdling for the stage. Quite frankly, college hasn't been much different. That day that I became an Academy graduate I knew that I held the world in my hands, but I still haven't figured out how to not fall flat on my face. (Welcome to life, I guess.) I felt like all of those stupid posters elementary and middle school teachers hung on our classroom walls actually began to speak some validity in my life.

"Reach for the stars." 

"Be smart, be knowledgable, be brave." 

"Be kind." 

"Dream big."

Just a few I remember from various walls over the past twelve years. I took these phrases to heart, and tucked them away in my heart as I began my first semester of college. This is what I've learned. 

1. All nighters should really NEVER be a thing. However, when they must in fact exist, you must remember that coffee is a gift from God himself and it is there for a reason. The endless hours of sleep you reward yourself with post-exam are also a gift from God. 

2. Living in a dorm will tear your once rock solid immune system to shreds. Sickness will come when it wants, and no, it will not ever be convenient. Learning how to take care of yourself isn't fun, and not having your family there to take care of you immediately isn't very fun either. Regardless, being constantly sick makes your really appreciate being well, and it makes you learn to enjoy (you guessed it, heres another cliche.) the little things. 

3. Your family may be absolutely insane. They may even be Hallmark worthy, but being away from them is what makes you realize how much you love them like you never knew you did. Being away from your family for the first time allows you to put the values they instilled in you to test, and allows  you to find your own values. Both are part of the gift of a college education. 

4. Procrastination. It's a real, breathing, controlling monster. For me, it usually looks like a lot of Facebook scrolling, Netflix watching, laundry folding, (Because yes, I am one of those weird people who actually enjoys doing laundry) excuse making, etc. While it's usually a joke, procrastination will literally ruin your GPA, force you into those dreaded all nighters, and cause you to miss out on a lot of fun stuff. Netflix binges should be treasured occasions, not weekly events. 

5. Your real, true friends are the ones:

- Who run to Walgreens to get you medicine when you are sick and then refuse to let you pay them 

- Who stay in on a Friday night to watch Christmas movies in October instead of going out every now and then

-Who get genuinely elated for you when you've worked so hard for something and actually accomplish it, because they've been the ones there supporting you and pulling for you the whole time 

-Who endure your daily bipolar life plan changes that quickly switch from pre school teacher to missionary to being a doctor on at least a weekly basis

-Who listen to you cry in anger when you are really just being selfish that things didn't go your way

-Who tell you that that boy ISN'T good enough for you 

-And who make you leave your bed at 1AM to go get Taco Bell because... well... it's college. 

6. Lastly, that it's okay to not be perfect. In fact, it's okay to fail. That's right, I said the F word, FAIL. You won't always make the A on the test, you won't always land the spot you wanted, you won't always be able to do it all. That's the beauty in living a life through Christ. Failing means that you had enough faith in God to do something outside of your capabilities and inside his, and just because God didn't, doesn't mean that he couldn't. Sometimes he just wants you to give him enough trust, so that he can show you it's not the right thing. Failing is a part of life, but the really neat thing is that we have the ability to decide where our failure leads us. We can decide to work harder and do better, or we can decide to let our failures define us. Take your pick, but I'll go ahead and say I think the first choice is kind of the point of life. 

Alright, there it is. I can officially say that I did it. I blogged one of those really cheesy post-first-semester rampages, and man it felt good. This post was my way of thanking everyone who has been a part of my life these past few months during such a big transitional time for me. Thank you for being there, for encouraging me, for supporting me, for everything. 

I also applaud you if you actually read this entire blog, you rock. 

- Katie :) 

Romania mission experience (Round #2)

Thanks to the generous support of many of you, I was able to make my second journey to Romania this summer! I returned about a week ago, and while words can not possibly describe my experience, I'm going to try my best to put it all into words as my way of thanking you for making this opportunity possible! 

On June 1st my grandfather and I met our mission group in Atlanta and we began the very, very long journey across the globe to Romania! Our first leg was from Atlanta to Paris, and then we left Paris to fly to Budapest. About a four hour drive separates Budapest, Hungary, and Oradea, Romania. So, all in all it took us about a day to make it to the mission center, and when we arrived our pillows were well-appreciated. There was, however, one thing we had to do before we got to go to sleep... we had to choose our mission project for the following day. We had around three different projects to choose from, and the only one that stuck out to me was homeless visits. Last year, I steered away from homeless visits and chose to fill my time with missions like VBS or family visits. For some reason, the idea of homeless visits scared the daylights out of me. Not in the safety aspect, I have always felt completely comfortable while doing mission work for Smiles, it was more in the intensity aspect. I knew I had seen some of the worst conditions possible on family visits, but something in my mind told me that while on homeless visits I would see even worse living conditions, if that were even possible. None of the other missions for the next day interested me, and I began to feel God tugging at my heart, asking me to just step outside of my comfort zone, even if just for one day. So, with some hesitation, I signed up to sped the day visiting the homeless community surrounding Oradea.

Before splitting up for our missions the next day, we spent the morning visiting a building that was practically rubble when we saw it last year. The building is JFL, or Joint Facility of Love. One of the very harsh realities in Romania is that parents usually do not have the means to care for themselves, their own children, and their own aging parents as well. So, as a result, many elderly find themselves on the streets with nowhere to turn to for help. The Joint Facility of Love is a solution to this growing issue. The building currently serves as an elderly home providing low cost cares to those families in need with a Christian influence and loving staff. Soon, the building will also serve as a safe place for families with mentally disabled children. Thus, the name, Joint Facility of Love. Seeing this building go from shambles to a beacon of hope in such a short amount of time was so incredible, God is surely working to provide for those in need in Oradea.

JFL June 2013

JFL June 2014

After our visit here, we split up into our groups to head out to do our mission projects for the day. Before leaving for family visits, Raul, the Smiles social worker responsible for the homeless mission, explained to us that we needed to go to the store first to pick up supplies for the day. As a group of about 5 people, we were each given the equivalent of around $25 to spend, which had to buy enough food to last a family for a month. With that in mind, we started to walk around the store and buy whatever we could with our individual budgets. For $25 I was able to get carrots, potatoes, cooking oil, a nice sized loaf of bread, a liter of water, some packaged meat, pasta, and a can of peas. Basically, I was able to get enough food to last the average sized American family around two full meals. Raul then explained to us that the typical Romanian household has about half as much money as we had to spend on groceries per month, my mind was blown. With that shocking realization floating through our minds, we left to see who we could find around town. Our first stop was to a huge, abandoned communist aluminum factory where around 20 homeless people took refuge. I prepared myself to expect the worst, but no amount of imagination could have prepared me for what I saw. We walked around for a few hours speaking to the different people, some were old men living alone, some were small families, and some were couples. Two of the old men were so severely depressed that they spent every penny they had on alcohol, and stayed drunk almost every day when they could. One family consisted of a mother and father and two of the most amazing children I have ever met. They were living in an abandoned concrete building that they called home, they had nothing more than the clothing on their back and the food that Smiles provides for them, and yet they were to of the happiest children I have ever seen. The two little boys were so excited to have someone to play with for a while, and even while nestled in the heart of poverty, these two boys had smiles as big as the sun on their faces. The stories went on and on, and none of these people ever thought they would be in the situation they are in today. I wish we could have stayed there for the entire day, just talking and visiting with the people there, but we had already spent most of our time with them and given them all of our supplies since there were around four families and three individuals. We had one more visit to make, though, and the story of this man is one I will never forget.

The man and his girlfriend lived in a small shack not far from our first visit. The man was once a famous Romanian boxer who was sure to succeed in his boxing career, until the Romanian mafia sent his career hurdling to the ground. He was fighting in a match one day, when the mafia told him that he had to loose his next fight, because they had a LOT of money bet against him. He did just the opposite, and knocked his opponent down with one single blow. The mafia was furious, and as punishment they killed his entire family. He, in return, killed one of the mafia members to get justice for his deceased family members, and turned himself in to the police. Since he confessed, he received only a 13 year prison sentence as opposed to life without parole. Once released, he could not find work due to his record, and he ended up homeless. His girlfriend was a woman he met while living on the streets I suppose, and he took her under his wing and cared for her. He convinced her to stop drinking, took care of her after she was in a car accident, and continues to take care of her now.

The two precious brothers I mentioned in the last paragraph 

Another family from the compound 

The boxer and his girlfriend

This man's story hit me like a freight train. It's easy to believe that people are impoverished or homeless due to their own choices in life, but the difficult thing is to realize that it only takes one wrong turn for us to end up the same exact way. With this realization in mind, we stayed to visit with the couple for a while before going back to the mission center. After dinner, we had sign ups again, and I knew that I needed something more light hearted to help with the next day, so when VBS was announced as an opportunity I bolted to the sign up sheets to make sure my name was first on the list. I was thankful for the experience I had while on homeless visits, but I also knew that the children were where my heart was at. I was even more elated when I discovered that the village we would be putting on VBS for was the exact same village I had done VBS for last year. I was going to get to see the children's pictures I had been looking at all year, the same children I was blessed to share Jesus with last year, I was going to be reunited with their sweet, innocent faces. I didn't get much sleep that night for two reasons: 1. Because I was feeling extremely guilty as I laid in a warm, cozy bed with a full stomach after seeing the unimaginable living conditions of the homeless I met earlier in the day and 2. Because I just could not contain my excitement brewing inside me to see the same exact children I had been missing all year.

When my alarm went of bright and early the next morning, I put aside my tiredness and awoke overjoyed to start the day. After breakfast, everyone left for their missions while I and the rest of the VBS team stayed behind to plan the afternoon. We chose the story of when Peter walks on water to Jesus for our scripture, and came up with a craft idea, a puppet show, a few games, and then made some small goodie bags for the children. Once we were done with our planning and organizing, we began the hour long bumpy drive to a nearby mountain village. From nearly a mile away, you could hear the children shouting, "NELU! NELU! NELU!" Nelu is the social worker in charge of family visits for Smiles, but he also helps with VBS whenever he can. Most of the children of the village were already waiting at the school, and the others came quickly when they saw the bright yellow smiles van driving down the villages dirt roads. The children all had smiles that stretched from ear to ear covering their faces, they were sitting outside underneath a huge tree, eager to hear about Jesus, eager to craft, and eager to spend the day playing with their American friends. The day went by quickly, and before we knew it we were packing up the things we brought and heading back to the center. We spent our time singing bible songs in Romanian and then in English, learning the story of how Peter trusts and then doubts Jesus while walking on the water through a skit, watching a puppet show related to the bible story, playing fun games, and receiving a small snack and goodie bag.

VBS day 1

VBS day 1

VBS day 1

The day was everything I hoped for and more. On the drive home, we were traveling through the curvy mountain road with a beautiful sight of the mountains when I had a shocking realization. On my first mission to Romania, I saw what the living conditions were like for these children, and I saw things that no individual, much less an innocent child, should ever witness. This remembrance fueled a question in my brain: what do these children have after we leave? We leave, and they go back to their so called homes and hope that there will be dinner that night. We leave to go back to a cozy bed and a table full of food, and these children are left there. They are left there and all we can do is hope that they remember the stories from the day, that Jesus loves them no matter where they live, regardless of their Gypsy or Romanian status, and that we love them as well. This realization broke my heart in two. I shed a silent tear or two on the drive home, and quickly put away my sadness when we returned to a party-decorated mission center!

We had no idea, but this was the tenth year that the mission center had been up and running, providing a space where hundreds of people have stayed to participate in a Smiles mission trip. So, that night was a celebration! We were throwing a birthday party for the smiles center, and celebrating the opportunity this building gave to so many people to be able to have their lives forever influenced by the people of Romania. While at dinner that night, I met one of the Smiles workers that I had never had the privilege of meeting before, Emilia. She sat at my table for dinner, and throughout the meal we talked and got to know each other. She had meet my grandfather earlier in the year while she was in the US for some promotional work, and she heard about my bracelet fund raising from him. She brought up the idea of being a Smiles Student Ambassador, a commitment that meant I would help raise money and awareness for Smiles in the US. The idea seemed just like my cup of tea, especially since I had already started doing a little promoting on my own during the year, so I told her I would definitely consider the idea and thanked her for the opportunity. The only thing that concerned me was the commitment to fund raise at least $1300 a year. So, I thought about it, and I made a deal with God. The deal was that if this was something he really, truly wanted me to do, he would have to show me some kind of sign. I'll be the first to admit that easily trusting in God's path isn't always the easiest thing for me to do, so I needed some form of reassurance before I said yes to such a large task.

Happy birthday mission center!

Each week during the summer Smiles chooses one of their mission outreaches to celebrate, and the next day the VBS program was being acknowledged, so everyone was going to be involved with the VBS outreach for the day. It just so happened that we were leading VBS for the same group that I got to see the day before, which only made the day even more exciting! In the morning, half of the group left to go visit the homes in the village while the other half of us stayed to prepare like we did the day before. I stayed to help prepare, and we were expecting around 100 children so we had a lot of work to do! We finished up around 10:30 and then we left to join the rest of our group. Since it was a celebration, we cooked lunch for the children and prepared even more activities for the day! When we pulled up, I ran over to hug and tickle some of the girls I recognized from the day before, and then we sat together for a while before we started passing out food. One of the girls, Andrea, insisted on giving my her seat on a wood stump, so I accepted and then I realized that she was asking me to sit down so she could sit on my lap. So, she did and we communicated the best we could for a while and then the girls were all fascinated when I fish-tail-braided Andrea's hair, they had never seen anything other than a regular braid before so they were all really excited to try it themselves! I eventually had to leave the girls and go help with all of the VBS activities, but when it came time for the craft I went and sat with Andrea and helped her color. She would point to the color she wanted and I would say it in English, and then she would teach me the Romanian. Craft time was coming to an end, and all of the kids were excited to put up the markers and get in line for snacks. Andrea, however, was perfectly content sitting in the grass coloring. So, I stayed with her, and we sat and colored. Then the girls started playing a game, Cat and Mouse, and Andrea grabbed my hand to go play. The game involved a great deal of running, so when we were both completely beat we went and sat in the grass again. We continued to teach each other some words in Romanian and English, anything we could find. Tree, grass, horse, and so on. Then Andrea started trying to ask me something that I couldn't understand, so I grabbed a friend Ana to translate. Andrea was asking if I was coming back to see her again. My heart broke in half because I knew that the answer was no, and that I only had one more day of mission work and that sadly, VBS wasn't an option for my last day. The group leaders announced that it was about time to go, so I got up to go grab the goodie bags to hand out. The boys and girls split to form a line, and I handed out the bags to the girls. Andrea was one of the last girls in line, so I handed her the small gift, wishing I could give her so much more, and she reached up to give me a hug. I was fighting back a tear because she wouldn't let go of the hug, and when she did I saw a tear slipping down her face too. She started to walk away as I finished handing out the bags. When I turned around to walk back to the van, I saw her standing waiting for me. I motioned for her to come give me one last hug, and when she did I couldn't hold back the tear anymore. I let a few loose and then I watched as Andrea disappeared around the corner while we stayed back to finish cleaning up. I couldn't think of anything but Andrea. I missed her already and she had only been gone for a few minutes. 

VBS day 2 with my sweet Andrea 

We loaded up in the vans to go back to the center, and on the way back I realized just what God's sign to me had been. You see, when I made that deal with God, I think I expected something along the lines of a bright yellow light coming out of the clouds accompanied by two trumpet playing angels and a deep Godly voice telling me that this is what I'm meant to do, help these people. This day, I learned that one of the beautiful things about God is that he is subtle. Its not always about some big ordeal, and in that moment I realized that Andrea was God's gift and reassurance to me. The relationship I formed with this child was short, but so full of coloring, laughter, and love. Andrea was God's end of the deal, and that night I fulfilled my end by telling Andrea I would love to sign up to become a Smiles Ambassador. 

This commitment wasn't the only thing on my mind on that van ride back to the center. The thought from the day before, the thought of what happens after a mission group leaves these kids, came creeping back in. I was starting to realize that fund raising for Smiles isn't enough for me. I realized that I need to be there myself, as often as I possibly can.

God still wasn't done fulfilling his end of the bargain, I quickly learned that the next day. I signed up to travel to Gepiu, a small village close to the center. In Gepiu, Smiles has set up an after school care program in which the children receive a meal, homework help, and anything else they may need help and assistance with. In the morning, we spent our time cleaning out the small house that the after school program began in, so that it could be used as a form of income for Smiles by being transformed into a rental home. A few pounds of dust, lots of dirty rags, and many spiders later, we finished up at the house and headed across the street to the recently built facility that the after school program is now housed out of. We had a blast with the children, as suspected, but towards the end of the afternoon I noticed one girl who was sitting off to the side by herself with a pretty upset look on her face during a pretty intense water balloon fight, so I went to sit next to her for a while. I couldn't say much, so my 21st century teenager brain kicked in, and I took out my phone to show her some pictures. I showed her pictures of my friends and family, and she eventually took my phone and started scrolling through the pictures myself. Two of my other friends from the day ran over to look as well. When the kids were called inside to clean up, I stayed outside with my new friend, Roxy. After we finished looking through the pictures, she caught sight of my necklace. It was a very, very small crucifix and miraculous medal. She took the necklace off of my neck, and put it on herself. I pronounced "Jesus and Mary" in Romanian to her, and she nodded that she understood. Our van arrived shortly after, and it was time for another painful goodbye. Right before I left, Roxy took of the necklace to give it back, and I felt a voice inside of my saying to let her keep it, so I did. She gave me a big hug, and those darn tears worked their way back out again. 

This was our last day of mission work, and I felt like my work had just began. I wasn't ready to leave... my job wasn't complete. That is all I could think of on the last ride back to Oradea. I was starting to formulate my return, just like I did last year. Only, this time, it didn't just seem like my plan, it felt like God was helping me make this plan, like he was fueling my desire to return, he was there telling me that this is where I'm meant to be, and it couldn't have felt any more perfect. 

Now, don't get me wrong, the mission last year was absolutely amazing, but this year was SO much more. I asked, and God responded. These children I encountered touched my heart in unimaginable ways, and because of the experiences I had in Romania this year, I know that I have to go back. I know that I have to go back and see these children again, to let them know that I care about them and that I will do anything to see their bright faces. More importantly, I now understand that a week isn't the commitment I owe to these children, I don't have much to offer, but time is something I CAN and will try like heck to give to them. 

For these reasons, I have decided to try my absolute best to raise the money I need in order to devote my entire summer to Romania either this year or next year, whichever fundraising allows for. This, on top of my ambassador commitment it going to be a lot to handle. 

So now, I am asking YOU to help me. I am asking YOU to help me, and in turn help all of the Andreas, and Roxies of Romania. If you now feel compelled to donate to the Smiles Foundation, please shoot me an email and we can talk about how to get things set up! If you would like to support my personal mission, or have questions about attending a Smiles mission trip of your own, I can help with that as well! Email: (34657@sjabr.org) 

I know this post was extremely long and tedious to read, and I thank each of you SO much for taking the time out to do so. 

Until next time, (Where a much shorter post will occur) 

-Katie :) 

                                               

The beauty in imperfection

I'll be the first person to admit that I haven't been going to mass every Sunday lately. I admitted to that in my last post, actually.After that last post I promised myself that I would stop making up excuses to miss mass, no matter what the circumstances are. This week, I luckily kept my promise and heard the gospel that I really needed to hear. 

Today's gospel was the parable of the lost son. In the parable, a father has two sons. The younger son goes to his father and asks for his share of the inheritance, which his father gives to him without question, and then he leaves. The son squandered his money, and soon the distant land he had traveled to became stricken by a great famine. This famine caused the son to experience great loss and hunger, and he resorted to working in the same way he would have on his father's own farm, except that on this farm he did not receive at all what he would have had he stayed with his father. 

The son then decides to return to his father for forgiveness, knowing that he was unworthy. Then, something miraculous happens, his father sees him approaching from far off, and runs to him and embraces him with love. The son explains to his father how sorry he is, and without question the father decides that even after all his son has done to him, it is time for a celebration. Celebration is necessary because his son once was lost, and now he is found. 

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time forgiving people once they have done something to sever our relationship, and this is usually over something silly, like telling me the biggest secrets of my favorite TV show. (I know, I know, very stupid.) As I write this post I'm sitting in the CC's on Perkins road, and a man just walked in and asked each person within the building if they could spare three dollars. The man was obviously homeless. I wish I could tell you that I gave him something... but I did not. All I could do after he left was watch him walk down Perkins road with his small Walmart bag containing a box of cereal and a B-quick cup and wonder where he was going... wonder if he has someone to care for him... and wonder if he knows that there is a God who loves him and cares about him and truly cherishes him. How could he know this though, if I call myself a Christian and didn't do a single thing to help him. I don't believe in giving homeless people money for various reasons, but I could have bought him something to eat. I could have done something. I'm not making this up, and I'm taking as a sign from God to help me write the rest of this post. I don't know what happened in this man's life, I don't know where he came from, and I don't even know if he has a family. Since I passed up the opportunity to help him though, all I can do now is pray for him and hope someone else will have the courage to do what I did not. 

I suppose the way that this happening ties into my post is like this. Life is too short to not forgive. Maybe this man came from a normal home, with a normal family, attended a normal school, and his life just took a bad turn like many others. (I won't try to define "normal" here, that's a whole post for another day.) All I know is that any one of you reading this post could end up like that poor man one day. Alone and afraid. We never know what turn our life may take at any given moment, so why should we waste it away holding grudges over silly, or even serious things? 

Another part of the gospel today was the story of a Sheppard who leaves his heard of 99 sheep in the middle of the desert, to go out and find his one that was lost, just like God does for us. Even when we are lost, far away from Christ, or whatever the circumstances may be, he will always find us. Even though we are the ones who have to stretch out our hands, his hands are already there waiting to hold us. Just like the hands of the father when his son returned to him at last. 

This gospel could be understood in two retrospects. One, the obvious, that God truly cherishes us and rejoices over our expressed love for him even when we have chosen to distance ourself from him. The beauty in our imperfection is that even when we fail, Christ is waiting with open arms to receive us again.The other, that we need to work on forgiveness ourselves. We are called to forgive as Christ does. We are called to help those in need. 

The reason that I am so mad at myself for not helping this man is quite simple. I understand that it's dangerous for a girl my age to interact with a homeless man, considering that I don't know what he is capable of, but in Romania I would have not hesitated for an instant if anyone asked for my help. I was so ready to give everything I had to help the people there, but I couldn't even do something as simple as buying this man a bite to eat. I understand that the circumstances are different when your not in an an extremely impoverished country, but I could have done SOMETHING. I'm so ashamed of myself for not helping this man because I profess love and help for those in need, but when it came down to actually doing it, I was scared and afraid and nervous to help this man, and most of all I was hypocritical. Something that I HATE. I was hypocritical because I am always so willing to help with Romania, but when faced with poverty in my own country I chose not to help. 

All I can do is hope and pray that in these months remaining before I leave again, I can really grow in my faith and reach the point that I do not stereotype people like I did to this man. God is showing me so much though these experiences, and this journey is truly a blessing. I pray that we can all grow in our relationships with Christ, and I pray that we can all (Including myself) separate oursleves from the stereotypes that our society places on those who are in more need than any other. If you are finding yourself in the same situation as me, I suggest that you listen to the words of this song and really ask that God inspire you to make a difference in the life of someone. It came on Pandora while I was writing this post, God is just SO FUNNY! :) 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA6lC40Dlf0)

And I'll leave you all with this quote by Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Katie :) 

Daily bread

Recently, I've been finding myself more and more distant from Christ. Which is ironic, considering now is one of the times in my life that I need Christ more than anything. It's senior year, and I'm making decisions that decide what path I will embark on for the rest of my life. 

You see, I'm not purposefully choosing to distance myself from God. It's just that I'm finding myself busier than ever. My plate is filled with school, family, friends, college craziness, ACT, social media, and that's just the beginning of the list. So, in the mist of all these things, God always seems to get pushed to the end of the list. Again, not intentionally, it just seems to happen. For instance, after spending a weekend with my family and friends, I'm left with piles of homework on a Sunday. So of course I make up the inadequate excuse that I simply don't have the time to make it to church. Or if I don't have homework, I make up some other excuse to keep from going to church. 

So I'm left with this question: WHY? 

Why am I putting everything else in my life before Christ while Christ is yearning for me to pay attention to him? 

A priest once told me during reconciliation that we should treat God like a boyfriend. After I got over being completely weirded out over the fact that a priest just told me to treat God as my boyfriend, I began to really listen to what he was telling me. Think of it like this: Imagine your best friend or significant other. What happens when you don't text or call them all day? They get upset, right? Now, what if you don't contact them for an entire week, they'd think that something's wrong or that you're hurt or even dead. Imagine the worry that they go through during this week, imagine the hurt they experience. 

God feels the same pain. 

I guess it's kind of like the saying, "The Bible is meant to be daily bread, not wine for special occasions." If we devoted as much time to God as we do to our friends, significant others, or social lives, how much more fulfilled would we be? Christ truly wants to be our best friends. He already knows how we feel when we are upset, he already knows how mad that person made you, he already knows the depths of our hearts and all that affects us. He knows, and yet he yearns for us to share our ever trial and joy with him, because he wants to have a truly intimate relationship with us. God wants us to speak to him all the time, not just when things are great, and not just when things are bad. If we did this, instead of waiting until everything comes crashing down, wouldn't that make the crash much more padded? 

I'm not saying that God will take away all of your struggles if you devote more time to him, but his presence in your life certainly makes the rising and falling much more pleasant.  

I guess I'm preaching to the choir here, since I'm the one who really needs to take all of this advice. All I know is that I really need to start taking that father's advice, and I hope that I can encourage you all to do the same. Not only do I need God to guide me through this final year of high school, I need him to lead me through this journey to make my way back to Romania. I hope and pray that we can all begin to make God our daily bread, not just our wine for special occasions. 

Isaiah 58:11 

And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. 

-Katie :)

Who's to blame?

It's amazing what happens when I start thinking! Blog posts just come flooding to my mind! This idea, however, came to me this morning in my Theology and film class. We just finished watching the film The Color Purple. I, being the cry baby that I am, was holding back tears the entire movie. So at the end of the film I may have let a few tears slip, because it is just so perfect and wonderful and all of those other synonyms for the word amazing. 

For those of you who don't know, The Color Purple a movie that tells the story of a bond between two African American sisters who are torn apart from each other during their teenage years. They both suffer a harsh life, filled with sexual, physical, and mental abuse from the men in their lives. I won't give anything away, in case you haven't seen the movie, but there's a short gist. 

So following the end of the movie, our teacher had a reflection set up for us. One of our questions was, "Do you think God is responsible for the harm caused in these women's lives?" 

Wow. 

Answering this question was probably one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. It's amazing how quick I am to blame God for the things that go wrong in my life, but when face to face with the question, my immediate answer was of course, "No."  My answer was no, but like I said, when it's my life I never hesitate to place the blame in God's hands and get angry with him. 

It's this question that got the rusty gears in my brain turning again. I began to think how ironic it is that we as humans ask SO much of God, and he provides bountifully, yet we are so quick to blame him for every one of our misfortunes. I'm not trying to say that it's not okay to get angry with God, everyone does every once in a while. The problem is developed when we think that God single-handedly places horrible struggles in our lives. 

I'm not trying to answer some major philosophical question here, but I have a difficult time believing that God sits up there and says, "Hmm... today I think I'm gonna send some cancer down to Helen, ooooh and I think Carla is going to have a bad day today, and oh then there's Jeremy, I think it's time for him to get injured at work." That just can't be how it happens. 

Have you ever stopped to realize that those who cause us the most pain in our lives are often the ones who have experienced great pain and grief in their own life? For those of you who have seen the movie, Albert is a perfect example of someone who repays his own grief onto others. Albert was raised being taught to treat women with disrespect, but he spent his whole life chasing the woman of his dreams, Shug Avery. Since Albert could not have Shug, he settled for Celie. This settling left Celie to live up to Shug's glory that was established in Albert's mind. Albert suffered great pain for not being the man who Shug wanted, and Celie suffered great pain for not being the woman that Albert wanted. You see, it's a cycle of disappointment, a feeling of not living up to someone else's expectations, and the cycle of hatred that follows.  

So, answering the question. As often as I blame God for the wrong turns in my life, I still had to answer the question with a stern, "No." You see, I live in a house, I have a loving family, I attend an excellent school, and I have three meals a day with snacks in between. I have all of these things, yet I am still so quick to blame.

Thinking of all these things led me to remember my friends across the globe in Romania. Those families who were homeless, had no food, no healthcare, no diapers for their children, no anything. These people have nothing, and yet they have everything. They do not blame God for their lack of wealth, they praise him for their small treasures. I saw the faces of children rejoice over something as simple as a coloring book, and the face of someone who cared about them. They rejoice when there is dinner on the table, and I complain when I've had two meals already and I don't like what my grandfather has prepared for dinner. I really do hope that I can one day have faith such as theirs, and rejoice over every high and low in my life. 

What I'm getting at here, is that my reason for answering, "No," to the question, is that I do not believe that God is responsible for misfortune. I believe that people do horrible things because they have once had unthinkable things done to them as well. These people dong horrible things, are so distant from Christ. It's this distance from God that causes unthinkable things to be done. So I'm going to start making a conscious effort to remember that when someone hurts me, that they may be suffering great pain and grief  behind the wall they assemble to masque their own problems as well. I'm going to try really try to praise God in the storms of my own life, and remember that there are those who have so much less than me and have so much genuine faith. So next time I return to Romania, I can return with a cleansed heart, ready to share all of my new found love! I hope and pray that I can encourage all of you to take on the same challenge in your life! 

"We love because he first loved us." 

John 4:19 

Peace and Blessings,

Katie :)